my lonely outpost

and its time for another post in my lonely outpost...

it goes like this, I often wonder whether I am a good person or a bad person. Though I keep the thoughts to myself all the time, it comes up again and again. And i hate everything other people like so much. Cynicism has been woven in. I like to design something new, who doesn't? I am starting to lose the velvet touch. I am losing myself. Till recently, I thought I was a good enough person with the occasional irrationalities. But now, I am starting to doubt myself.

Is all this just a fabric beneath which, at heart, I , me , myself was just another selfish, pitiless, cheat. Cheat! that word is something very bad. I don't want to be one, but sometimes I run out of justifications for my actions.

Right now, Mr ak asked for the key. I doubt what they think about me. I always try that, try to see from the other viewpoint. Though I remind myself everyday, that I don't give a penny's worth about what they think about me, I worry everyday about the exactly the same thing. Combine that with the anxiety surrounding my current existence of smoke and clouds, I see myself slipping into this long woven thought trains. More than a penny for those thoughts.

I feel better now though. I want all these thoughts to be poured out, though I doubt anyone hearing my thoughts will get it or even less, I am not sure what I want to really say. Sigh, sometimes I feel like I never came out of the effect of the weed I smoked long back which took me for a ride like never before. Life, it seems, is without its fair share of surprises.

I am living a lie every other day. That is one thing which is being a constant threat to my happiness. What happens when they all find out about everything. Will they still feel the same about me. Here I go again. I don't want to care about what they care about me.

In my own words, time constraints has made any option seem feasible. I don't know which way I will turn though.